What Hurts The Most
by lacksubstance
Summary: The love of her life died protecting her. This is the hardest thing she's ever had to go through. Oneshot, Songfic.Song is What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts.


**Song is "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. Listen to it while your reading this. It makes you get in the mood.**

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_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out  
_

All his family and friends stood around his casket, mourning the loss of their beloved. He was so young; he left his wife, his daughter, his family and friends behind. They thought of him as in invinsible, though the truth is no one is that. It pains everyone to watch the casket being lowered. It pains his wife to see her beloved husband being lowered into his grave, it didn't hit her until now that it was real; he was actually gone. It hurts her to look at her daughter and his brother because the resemblance is so unbelievably similar.

She dreamed of him every night since the night he past away in her arms. She felt like it was her fault, her fault he's gone. She wished it was her being lowered into that grave, not him. He didn't deserve to be there, in that box you call a casket. She was trying to be strong for her daughter, for him, but not for her. She felt like she didn't deserve to be strong for herself, but for the people around her.

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

For the first time since the funeral she cried her heart out. Her daughter was gone with her grandma; his mother. No one expected her to actually fall for him, but she did and was glad. He did everything for her no matter how much less she gave back, until she realized that it didn't matter about the age; all that mattered was she was in love with him and their daughter was defiantly the symbol of their love. They were close as friends. They told each other everything and anything that was on the others minds. They didn't even have to ask twice for the person to let out what the other was feeling.

But now they can't share that, they can't share what the others feeling because he's gone. The pain for her is so unbearable now. No one knows how hard it is for her because they weren't there, they didn't see what happened that night; the night he died, died in her arms.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

_**Flashback to that Night**_

**It was the night that they would never forget, at least she wouldn't. They were on their way back from a beautiful dinner when they had a run in with a gang member, wanting her husband's car and her. He gave the member the keys, but he would never give up without a fight for her; the love of his life.**

**He tackled the guy to the floor by the car as his wife hid in the area where she was told to by her love. She watched the whole encounter play out, closing her eyes she prayed he was going to make it through this. When she opened her eyes she saw the love her life, get shot right before her eyes. As the guy sped off in their car she ran across the street, bent down, lift his head into her lap and began crying. His breathing was becoming more and more faint with each breath he took.**

**"Please don't leave me," she whispered to him. He lifted his hand up to her cheek and stroked it.**

**"No matter how far I am, I'm never gone. My sprit will live on in you and in Emma. Trust me," he whispered as she held his hand in hers.**

**She held it until she felt his soft grip loosen signaling he was gone.**

_**End Flashback**_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away show the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

That night she tossed and turned in her bed trying her hardest to fall asleep, but not feeling him next to her, with his arms around her at night is hard. With a knock on the bedroom door, revealing their three year old daughter behind it slipping into the room, she got up into the bed, getting under the covers and fell to sleep next to her mother. She couldn't fall asleep, all she could do is watch as their daughter Emma slept peacefully.

Friends and family say she should go to counseling to deal with the pain, but she didn't believe anyone would understand her, what she's going through. With the guilt rising more and more in her mind and the pain of the flashbacks of that night coming back, she wanted it to go away, she wanted him, her protector back.

She tried the counseling session just to make everyone happy. "How are you holding up," the counselor asked. She fiddled with her thumbs "I've been better, it's hard to get up every morning, knowing he's gone," she explained.

She went to a few more sessions finding out that these one on one counseling sessions help, rid you of the guilt and pain. But everyone knows that the pain will always be there no matter how far a long the grieving process goes on. She knew that the fact he died right in her arms will make the grieving process even harder than it already as been.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

It's been almost a month and the grieving process is now getting worse as it marks the month anniversary of his death. It's killing her inside to walk in the graveyard to his grave. She got there and she just couldn't help but to break down as her emotions took over her. She dropped to her knees crying as she put her hand on his grave, crying on it.

She felt so lonely without him. She would barely see her friends and his family anymore because the memories of him start flowing into her mind. She felt like she had to just end it now, end the life that she thought she didn't deserve. But knowing him he wouldn't want that, he wouldn't want her to be in this much pain or crying every second she was alone. He never wanted to see her cry when he was alive and as he watched over her now, he didn't like to see her crying now.

_What hurts the most was being  
so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

As she cried on the tombstone that read her beloved husband's name

**_Zackary Michael Martin_**

**_August 24th, 1992 – November 10th, 2016_**

**_Beloved Husband, Father, Brother, and Son_**

She felt a blast cold wind; lifting her head up she could have sworn she felt someone touch her hand, but there was no one else there. That's when she felt like she had to go on with her life, because that's what he would have wanted. She touched the tombstone, tracing the letters of his name "I felt you," she whispered, getting up from where she was and began walking off, back to her car.

She went to her counseling session again and possibly her last "So Maddie how are you doing today," the counselor asked. Maddie looked down at her hands in her lap, thinking of what happened in the graveyard. When she looked up, she smiled "I think I'm going to be able to move on, because I know that's what he would want," Maddie stated still smiling. A smile appeared across the counselor's face and she nodded. The grieving transition was finally over. But the pain, that pain that you feel when you lose someone will never go away. But you just have to move on, living life to it's fullest, never knowing when it's going to end.

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_

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**I hope you liked it. I know it was pretty sad; I almost cried writing this, but I didn't. Please review and tell me what you thought of it.**

**Nikki**


End file.
